Closet - February 13, 2018
Coming back home from vacation two days ago, in this ice cold environment I was so happy to escape from for a while, I had mixed feelings. I wanted to take a fresh start at school and be the best version of myself, at the same time I felt like I really needed some more time off. The last two months have been really stressful to me, both privately and professionally. Outrageously happy I was, having finished one hell of an exam period, finally being able to cuddle my cats again (everything’s in the little and most silly things, I learned), seeing my boyfriend again I was apart from for way too long and spending the quality time we both needed so badly. A sunny vacation in a country far away from everything that bound me here, definitely was desirable and necessary.
NOTE: Without a doubt have you seen my Instagram series on my vacation in Oman already and ofcourse I’m planning on writing an article about our adventurous roadtrip. The tour we did, the things we experienced, the people we’ve met. I took so many beautiful pictures and I can’t wait to share everything once I get through them and have them all edited. This unique getaway with two of my best friends was exactly what I needed.
I realise my prologue is getting really long, so I might as well just get to the point. I think many of you already were aware of my state of mind recently, through reading previous articles amongst other things. The thing is that writing it all down helps me to settle the chaos and mess that had become my head. For the first time in my life -and I honestly thought such thing would never happen to me, since I always was the kind of girl with a maximum of self confidence- I lost myself somewhere between choosing what’s good for me and doing the best I can for everyone. My two-sided family, that really needed my presence now more than ever, my friends, boyfriend and of course school. Because the pressure to make the most out of your future NOW is so f*cking on. At the time I didn’t really understand what was going on. I just didn’t really feel like myself, worried a lot about irrelevant stuff either and was mentally exhausted. I didn’t take a step back to think properly because in my eyes, I simply didn’t have the time. And with myself, I lost almost every piece of confidence I once bursted with. I lost myself by trying to become someone I am not. Someone I’ll never be and some version of a human being who’s definitely not nicer/smarter/better/whatever than who I am now, on the contrary. Now I understand my thoughts on the matter didn’t make any sense, and that maybe I had to get through this phase alone. I can feel it made me stronger and in the end it’s all that counts. I made a deal with myself, and that is to never keeping myself busy again with anything I am not, or with any kind of person people expect me to be. I see now, that there’s so much more to me than letting insecurities bring the lioness growing inside of me down.
I’m happy to be back and to be 100% me again.
❤Pictures by P.Elle Photographie